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long lost love.

February 28, 2011

I’ve had the joy of having one of my lifelong friends in town this week.

She came to visit spur of the moment, and has been needing to process through a recent break-up.
Just get away from the daily grind and actually feel what she needs to feel.
To wrestle with singleness.
And I totally get that.

As we talked, I couldn’t help but come to a very stark realization:
My heart is really full right now.
And looking back- it’s been quite the process.

I remember that day ever so clearly. I remember the sense of dread before his phone call came. I remember the anticipation of saying goodbye, the desperation I knew I couldn’t voice.  I remember feeling like my heart would never heal.  I remember sobbing as I tearfully told the Lord that I was laying down our relationship.  That I was letting go.  It was an Abraham/Isaac sacrifice.  I knew it was a test of my faith to trust the Lord in the moment. To trust that if we were ever going to work, that I had to lay it down and let Him give it back to me.  I remember feeling so connected to the Lord that night.
I remember sensing His presence and witnessing His faithfulness.

I remember the aftermath.  The silence that suddenly came.  No phone calls. No emails. No conversations that lasted until the wee hours of the morning.  That investment was instantly gone.   I remember going on “rounds” as an RA by myself and feeling completely and utterly alone.  I remember going through the ebb and flow of the loss, the highs and lows. I remember the stupid crushes that tried to replace him. The panic of admitting how amazing he was, and trusting that I needed to continue to let him go. I remember so many conversations at the college coffee shop with various friends.
My eyes welling up in anger that it was over- and that there was no one else.

I remember the day I finally let go completely. The relief and the peace as the envelope slipped through the post office box. One last letter, just to say a complete goodbye.  My heart had long been disconnected from “us”- but my soul was still conflicted. His salvation had been selfishly held captive by my own pride. And I finally released it. I thanked him for being a true gentleman- for loving me so well.  Then I wished him not only well, but the best, and told him I would be forever grateful for our relationship.
And I walked away complete in Him.

I heard this song by Adele today and thought it was very fitting.

“Nothing compares.
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They’re memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet
This would taste?

Never mind
I’ll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don’t forget me, I beg
I remember you said
“Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead”

The past few years have definitely had their hard moments. Their gut-wrenching, slaps-in-the-face moments. Being single isn’t always fun. It isn’t always joy-filled and lighthearted. But as I talked to my friend last night, I was struck by how evident the love of the Lord is in my life. I see His immense passion for who He created me to be. An overwhelming pursuit to love me.
And I know that love will never change- no matter who I am with or where I am.

I am always loved by a love that will always last.

And that makes my cry.



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