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the mask.

July 31, 2011

the blog has been quiet the past few months.

Life has been.. challenging.

I discovered that I was living a fake life- one which was disguised by a wall of self-reliance and confidence. I took the Lord out of the life equation- and subsequently completely fell apart. Multiple times. I have gone from denial to admittance, and from numb to raw. A transition I eagerly grasped for, but am almost more terrified to hold onto.

I’m doing life alone for the first time. Adjusting to new schedules where I don’t see family as much, and the dreamer is often gone visiting her other half (and rightfully so). Life is hectic, and I have always kept a busy schedule. But I’m finding myself lost in the quiet moments. Lost in the lulls. I don’t know where I belong. This city (bah, it’s a town) doesn’t exactly promote the single life. I can count on my hands, or maybe even hand, the number of young, single people I know- which is not at all a knock against families or marriage. But community is hard as a single person. Excruciating, even. Conversations are constantly focused on the latest spouse update or kid’s funny story.
It’s hard to relate. It’s hard to feel heard.

So I’m adjusting. I’m trying to figure out how to be open and truthful about my heart instead of sugarcoating it and putting on a facade of lies. But it can be so draining- because the truth isn’t fun. Because the truth is: I’m not in love with Jesus. I’m not pursuing Him. I’m not being intentional about my time with Him. I’m only asking for what I need, not earnestly seeking Him. I want to, because I desire it- but also because I need it.  I need Him to be my source and my strength.

I’ve struggled with this pursuit for so long (and I’m sure I always will wrestle with serving myself instead of Him).
However, I desperately want to love Him well and learn to depend on Him alone.

So that’s where I’m at. Can anyone else out there relate?

Singleness is a beast.

I’m so glad Jesus still loves me.

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